24 Hour Theater Festival

Three Act Play

Collaborative Writing

DRAMATIS PERSONNAE:
ZIPPER FLAXSEED .....................................Mike Olson
SALAMANDER “SAL” PULANSKI ..................Jared Schneekloth NARRATOR ...................................Ashley Elizabeth Lee

CHARACTER SUMMARY:
ZIPPER: Nerdy, insecure, and arrogant at the same time.
SAL: Skeptical, gruff, to the point.
NARRATOR: Even, light, reliable.

SONGS:
Intro Song: “Decatur” - Sufjan Stevens
Outro Song: “Just Like Heaven” - The Cure

PROMPT INCLUDED:
“This isn’t what I signed up for.” - Dialogue
Coffee mug - Prop

Scene One

Narrator: The middle manager of the month, Salamander Pulanski, has been working at Softy's Fleece Company for three years. He’s not impressed by the piece of work in front him. A new recruit. Zipper Flaxseed, college grad, is sitting in his best outfit, trying to make a winning first impression. He is trying out a variety of striking expressions and poses as he shifts around in his chair. Zipper is broke and needs this job to make rent.

SAL: What makes you think you’re cut out for this pony show?
ZIPPER: I love scarcity. And skull caps.
SAL: Tell me about yourself.
ZIPPER (hopeful): I’ve always wanted to get married wearing a Softy’s Tuxedo. Sir, this job is my only path forward.
SAL (checks resume on clipboard): It says under skills that you “dip your spoon into the cake batter of life”?
ZIPPER: You know I’m a people person. People fear me. There’s nothing more exhilarating than strutting into a crowded party and delivering a little speech about myself. I explore my sins and triumphs. An elevator is a great place because I have a captive audience.
SAL: Tell me about your experience at... Red Lobster?
ZIPPER: I’d rather not.
SAL: It looks like you were there for over a decade.
ZIPPER: The smell of lobster never leaves your clothes. I had to burn down my house to get rid of that smell.
SAL: Yes, it says here you are looking for housing.
ZIPPER: I noticed your office is in the forest. I am with the earth positive vibe.
SAL: I love it out here. Great bird scene. Winter gets interesting.
ZIPPER: Are there benefits with this job?
SAL: Your paycheck will be in fleece. Your bonus will be fleece. It’s the Softy’s Promise!
ZIPPER (confused): Are you offering me a job?
SAL: I’m offering you the opportunity of a lifetime.
ZIPPER: Absolutely, Mr. Salamander!
SAL: My legion of underlings call me “Sal.”
ZIPPER: Call me Zipper because my name is Zipper.
SAL: It’s not that hard to call people what they want to be called.
ZIPPER: Sal, I feel you. We should go down to the bowling alley and throw some yams.
SAL: Bowling is my love language. I’ll clock out.
END SCENE ONE

Scene Two

Narrator: They arrive at Pin Pals Bowling Alley, which is Leadville’s old collapsed bowling alley with a new name and one surviving lane. It’s neon forest themed bowling night, where everything looks like it’s coated in a layer of radioactive slime. They have the place to themselves. The boss, Sal, and his eager recruit, Zipper, are dressed flashy and walk in like two flamingos bursting into a church.

ZIPPER: I knew we were going to be friends when I saw you brought your own bowling ball.
SAL: I’m almost your boss. And the interview is not over. We can’t be friends.
ZIPPER: My friends always resist me at first, but somehow I burst through those restraining orders and win them to my fold.
SAL: How about this, if you can beat me in a round of bowling, I won’t report you to Softy’s HR department.
ZIPPER: How’d you get the name Salamander?
SAL: I was born with gills.
ZIPPER: My name is handed down from seven generations of zipper makers.
SAL (winds up and bowls like a maniac, then speaks): You want to back out of this bet now? I don’t think you’re ready for the egg I’m about to hatch.
***Lighting changes from radioactive green to flashing red murder lighting***
ZIPPER: I use bowling balls to defend myself against wild animals all the time.
SAL: The pins are reset. Before I smash them to pieces, why did you apply for this job?
ZIPPER (singing): When it’s time to sleep, wrap me in a good hot dog of Softy’s fleece--
SAL (interrupting): Yes, we all know the theme song. You know what else?
ZIPPER: Tell me.
SAL: Softy’s doesn’t do Zippers anymore.
ZIPPER: Are you going to hire me?
SAL: I’m not sure if you’ve seen my LinkedIn page, which is a shame, because it’s a masterpiece.
ZIPPER: Haven’t seen it.
SAL: I worked at Red Lobster too.
END SCENE TWO (stage lighting goes black)

Scene Three

Narrator: The unlikely duo leans against Sal’s car in the bowling alley parking lot, eating Taco Truck burritos with creamy orange sauce. Zipper is guzzling down grape soda that he is pouring into a coffee mug. They are both wearing Softy’s Tuxedos. Traffic whizzes by in the moon-lit night.

SAL: What’s your family like?
ZIPPER: I was raised in a mineshaft.
SAL: Dark. What was your biggest insecurity as a child?
ZIPPER: This is the interview that will not end.
SAL: I need to know that you’re going to take the Softy’s Promise seriously.
ZIPPER: Sal, I saw a light in you on that slick bowling floor, I mean, you cracked a pin in half. I guess you’re going tell HR, at the job I don’t even have yet, that I tried to make friends with my almost boss.
SAL: When I was night manager at Red Lobster, the dishwasher quit. I had to roll up my sleeves. Softy’s pulled me out of that triple sink and saved my life.
ZIPPER: I have known the pit, been up to my ears in rancid plates with the stench of old seafood thick in the air. There’s someone back there, right now, dealing with exactly that. My hands cracked in the shrimp water. I cried out to a silent god and said: “This is not what I signed up for.”
SAL: Tough gig. You deserve better.
ZIPPER (excited): Is this the moment I’ve been waiting for? Is this the job offer?
SAL (in a flat tone): I can’t hire you.
ZIPPER (exasperated): This has been a twelve hour interview!!! We pulled an all nighter. No one could recite the Softy’s Fleece Company Brand Mission with more accuracy than me.
SAL: I’ve got something better than a job. I’d like to be your best friend, Zip. This is the greatest day I’ve had in years.

END SCENE THREE