Bitterbush 1, 2 & 3

Plays

Playwright + Director

A satirical comedy about Leadville.

The storyline follows a fiesty bunch trying to start a utopian art collective in their uncle's backyard. It examines the town’s undeniable charms, historical past, and lingering spirits. At the heart of the play is the complicated ways that family expresses love and the hunt to find a partner by any means. It also explores the nature of work in late capitalism, concluding a job can only give you a routine, not a life.

ACT ONE, SCENE ONE
NARRATOR: River is out on a first date at Tabor’s Tipsy Tavern. She has brought two puppets, one on either side of her in a diner booth. She is sipping a water with three straws, one for herself and each puppet. Johnny is nervously drumming his hands on the table. A briefcase leans on his side of the booth. His glasses slide down his nose. He has that new car smell. Offstage: Waiter.

RIVER: I’m not one of those people who has their wedding planned, but I do know the intricate details of how I’d like to be proposed to. I see us on an oceanside cliff, the waves hitting the shore sounding as rhythmic as a Mariachi band. I’m wearing my sheep skin tunic and he’s dressed in professorial garments typical of a graduation ceremony. He has ordered a pizza and when he opens the box, he reveals MARRY ME spelled out in pepperonis.

JOHNNY: Let’s order drinks before we dive into the particulars.

RIVER: I’m glad the internet brought us together. I was impressed to read that you’re the announcer at the demolition derby. What’s your favorite kind of car to see smashed?

JOHNNY: I live for Land Rover on Land Rover action. Get’s me nice and goosed up.

RIVER: Yes, I could watch one of those right now. Auspicious beginnings are my forte, you haven’t met my family and hopefully never will, but they love to throw people into the deep end at a pool party in February. Let’s move on.

JOHNNY: I hope they have something for vegetarians here.

RIVER: I love online dating. I’m really into power-swiping, affirming and cancelling in the same breath.

JOHNNY: I don’t eat meat unless I’ve killed it myself. Don’t get me wrong, I’m attracted to meat. Sometimes I’ll see a cheeseburger and wish to god I would’ve been there to pull the trigger.

Waiter arrives.

WAITER: What can I get you?

RIVER: I’ll have the grapefruit seltzer with a splash of grenadine and an inch of vodka, with three lemon wedges on the side.

JOHNNY: Bud Light.

Waiter leaves.

RIVER: What’s your earliest childhood memory?

JOHNNY: My first hazy recollection begins when I was admitted to the polio ward. There was a mime, bright and jolly, who really tried too hard to entertain. I remember his big black shoes glistening and the biting smell of antiseptic, mixed with his clear tobacco habit.

RIVER: I worked as a mime on the streets of Nebraska, before my puppet career took off. I loved the veil of white paint over my face, so much more can be said without speaking. Mimes are the original goths. In the hundred degree summer heat, my make up did tend to run a bit, but I lived for the art.

JOHNNY: What’s your favorite color?

RIVER: Bergamot.

JOHNNY: Isn’t that a tea?

RIVER: It’s an oily substance drawn from the rind of a fruit. It’s not a color, but the memory of a color.

JOHNNY: I like navy blue. I find it matches anything.

Waiter re-enters but with only one drink

WAITER: I’m sorry sir, it appears that we are all out of Bud Light. Actually, we are out of beer entirely. We also had to substitute the vodka for a local, underground moonshine. It will be more delicious than your original order. There’s no lemons, there’s no grapefruit, but it is served in a cocktail glass. Could I take your order for food?

JOHNNY: No Bud Light? This is an injustice. What are you going to tell me next, that you’re out of vegetables?

WAITER: We do have blood sausages, sir.

RIVER: I’ll take the steamed moose meat in a seaweed roll.

WAITER: I do recommend the blood sausages.

RIVER: I’ll have the marmot melt in a brown sauce.

WAITER: We had a man come in and completely wipe us out of brown sauce.

RIVER: Tack! He’s in the valley. Johnny, I’m afraid I have to go.

WAITER: Who’s Tack?

RIVER: My mailman! From when I went to art school in Las Vegas.

JOHNNY: I’ll take the blood sausage. Can you tell me anything about how this animal died?

RIVER: Bye! I’ll text!

River hurries off stage, the scene goes black on Johnny and the Waiter.